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Recreate me, now comes the time when I’ll need your truth to see.

I’m trying to be happy for people. I really, really am. And In my own way, I am…kinda.

Let me explain honestly (because, if you can’t be honest on your blog, where can you be honest??). I  had at least 4 people I know get engaged between Christmas and New Years. And, I swear to you, I want so much to be happy for these people. It’s just so damn hard!

I had my future in my grasp. My fingers were brushing the edges of what I thought was going to be my amazing European life. Evidently, I was brushing a soon to be midden heap.

The holiday season always makes me introspective. I think about the face that Aaron called off our wedding on December 3rd, and that the last time I saw him in person was Christmas Eve 2 years ago. I spent the next day in the fetal position on my parents sofa, clutching my puppy, who I had bought with the proceeds of the sale of  obscenely beautiful engagement ring. 

I don’t miss Aaron anymore, not really. I miss the dreams I had with him. I know what I want. And I was so close to that. I know now that I’d have ended up utterly miserable with him. But, when you have wanted something, and you’re THIS CLOSE to it, it hurt real bad to lose it.

Needless to say, I spent most of the holidays this year pretty surly, seeing as I had these maudlin thoughts floating about my brain. You can’t exactly look at your siblings and say “Dear Sibling, I resent you and your various rosy cheeked children and marital semi-bliss. Go away, and stop asking me questions about why I’m not in college!!”

So, there was that last. Fielded a lot of those questions, and got into a fight with my mom. This is NOT normal.

Come on Minnesota…get me out of here!!

Ok, so, there were good parts. I got my parents presents they really appreciated. I got to spend some time with lovely people. It wasn’t the end of the world….

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About Beating Heart, Spinning Mind

Professional dreamer. Searching for a job and greater meaning. Being a good girlfriend...well, trying to.

Discussion

One thought on “Recreate me, now comes the time when I’ll need your truth to see.

  1. Ah, you’re not the only one who becomes introspective during the holidays. The older I get, the more I seem to dwell on things, especially the past, during Christmas.
    I know how you feel about the broken engagement. When Christopher and I broke up many moons ago, I kept thinking that I’d be fine once I got past the supposed wedding date. Wrong. Once the wedding date came, and afterward, I kept thinking ‘wow, we would have been married one month now’, or ‘this would have been our first Christmas together’…etc…I thought it would never end.
    But in the end, we live the life we make. I know Christopher and I would not have made it; God has a plan and sometimes it’s so darned hard to see or understand just what that plan is – especially when it doesn’t seem to go along with OUR plans! lol Trust me, I know.
    Keep the faith, sweetie…you’re in God’s hands and He loves you and He give you blessings beyond your imagination…Love to you!

    Posted by Kristina Hooper | January 3, 2011, 3:46 am

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