So, in the search for my social security card, I went through my old purse. In one of the many pockets I found a folded piece of loose leaf paper with writing on both sides. The hand writing is very neat, and at first, I didn’t even think it was mine, since it was so unlike my usual chicken scratch. However, upon inspection I discovered that it was a short chronicle of the ending of a clandestine relationship that I had before I met Aaron.
Here it is!
That day was long, with only more to come. The vestiges of last night lingered in my sleep deprived mind. I remember being so angry the night before. The way he didn’t look at me when we talked. How awkward I felt when he sat with my friends on the other side of the bar, leaving me with only my beer bottle and cigarette smoke to have a conversation with. But this night, I was so desperately desirous of his attention, even though I knew that I an hour or so I would pull the plug on our affair.
I think that fact that I was about to lay everything on the line, that I was going to say what I desperately didn’t want to, made me want all the more to prove to myself that I didn’t have to. Maybe tonight would be different. Maybe before I sneak off to his house, he’d look into my eyes a few seconds longer than necessary. Maybe he’d let his leg brush up against mine under the bar.
Later on, after discovering that my wallet was gone and that I had to bum money off of all our friends, we exchanged our usual sarcastic and innuendo laced texts, and I left the bar amidst significant winks from our friends. I ran the short distance to his house through the cold, rainy night, filled with the usual thrill that seeing him brought. This time, however, it was tempered with knowledge that this would be one of our last times together. I greeted him and his overgrown puppy of a dog as he put his cigarette out and we headed inside. I shed my coat as he disappeared into the interior of his house in search of beers. I distinctly remember the sound of the pop top opening. Crisp and loud. I started to take of my earring one handed as I took a swig from the beer. He turned the lights off and pulled me into an embrace.
Rest in Peace, man. Been thinking of you…
And on a totally unrelated note, I just discovered that my most recent former boyfriend is getting deployed on Sunday. Haven’t spoken to the man in 6 months, but I’m freaking out a bit…