you're reading...

“Jellybeans” or “Finding Depression at the Movies”


Image by gj_theWhite via Flickr

It was not a good day to wake up. I’m pretty sure it was raining…or maybe it was sunny but cold. Or maybe it was just another of the recent days were I’ve been tired and grumpy. I think the latter.

I had an fleeting affair with the Mr Snoozebutton. We’d meet occasionally, usually filled with guilt, but elated at the moments I could steal when I was with him. Moments willed with the euphoria that is snatched sleep. Sleep stolen from the day. Sleep that we have no business having.

I must have gotten up. Checked my email, waisted time on facebook. I made food, sauteed string beans, for breakfast. Very few carbs, lots of fiber, great taste. Mom left for…something. Came back with eggs. No carbs. I made a lunch of celery, cucumbers, asparagus and Ranch dressing.

Mom drove me to work just in time to see my kids enter the building. I ran across the parking lot that was either wet or sunny and cold. I don’t remember. I discovered that it was a good thing that I got there on time, because my co-worker wasn’t there. Work things happened. Awkward laughter from the staff at the other end of the hall. (Am I paranoid, or are they really always talking about me??)

It was a half day, so we made our way with 16 children from the age of3-14 onto the bus. We went to Columbia Mall, to the Food Court, where we got Chick-Fil-A. I passed up and ate my veg. The diet, you see. I was feeling pretty good about myself at this point, if rather stressed out by horrid co-workers.

We got to the theater. We got our 3D glasses. We sat down and my boss asked me to hand out…jellybeans. I held out for about 25 minutes…but then I heard the Siren Song of those evil little confections that I don’t even like all that much. I ate untold numbers. And with unnatural swiftness, guilt kicked in. I was absolutely destroyed. There was guilt, recrimination. I was suddenly a cow, and lazy and stupid.

It was like flood gates of very nasty water had been opened into my soul, and through them all nature of foul creatures were entering and taking up residence.

I got home to be stuck into a argument between my dad (who wants to take my dog to the pound when I’m gone….don’t get me started…)

The Creature in question

and my mom (who rightly called TOTAL BS…my father is not endearing himself to me at this point.) I made a nice dinner that no one ate. I ate that. Then ate many cookies. Then, worked out a little.

I suppose the most alarming part of this story is my realization of how fragile my self image is. I don’t know if I just need a confidence boost or a total brain rewiring. I want to cry monthly female hormones, and I am actually pretty sure that has A LOT to do with things, but, I need to be ok in my own skin.

I’m feeling very out of touch with God, and rather…unloved. Which is such bull! I know this. I even feel horrible saying that. I’m so blessed. I KNOW this, I just can’t feel it. And feelings mean so much to me. I want to be wanted. I feel like a burden, that people who I KNOW love me are just ahnging around because I’m…an…obligation! LIES, I SAY!! ALL LIES!!!



About Beating Heart, Spinning Mind

Professional dreamer. Searching for a job and greater meaning. Being a good girlfriend...well, trying to.


2 thoughts on ““Jellybeans” or “Finding Depression at the Movies”

  1. to quote a really awesome friend of mine “Be well, Beloved Claire!! You are loved beyond all comprehension!!

    Posted by missylikestoramble | March 17, 2011, 7:17 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: