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freedom, love, obligations

Ventures into Outer-myspace

Blogging Readiness

Image by cambodia4kidsorg via Flickr

I haven’t looked at my old myspace account in who knows how long, but after receiving an email saying that some one gave me a friend request (IGNORE!!), I decided to dive back into the old thing for a walk down memory lane. And what I found was an absolute treasure trove. I found my old blog from three-ish years ago. To be honest, I entirely forgot that it even existed, which is pretty impressive, seeing as I wrote in it for over 2 years…

I wrote some good things, and I’m posting them below, because I feel they are pretty telling.

LONGEST POST EVER! But worth the read! Should be quick!!

November 10,2006 “Mom wants me to apply to Villa Julie, but I totally DO NOT want to do that…oh well…I guess I just have to let go, and let flow…”

November 13, 2006 “Why is it that wisdom teeth are so painful? is it a commentary on the aquisition of wisdom, and it’s often painful prossess? Or am I over thinking this?”

November 14, 2006 “I’ve always envied people who could just make their mind up to stop doing something, and actually stop. I’ve never been that self controlled. Like, I couldn’t have said “i’m going to stop smoking…” i stopped smoking because it makes me deathly ill. I can’t say “come on, Claire! Stop being depressed!” i just have to let it run it’s course. I wish i could say “I’m not going to care anymore” then actually stop caring. I just can’t. I’m just weary all over again.”

December 17, 2006 “Barring a miraculous change, be it in size or in finances, I’ll have to stick to what I’ve got. Which is a little bit of money, and WHOLE lotta me!”

December 27, 2006 “In the face/ Of this blatant disrespect/ I found that laughter bubbled up from my toes. / I won’t be hurt today. / Today, I’ll not care what you don’t say, / And I’ll go to find myself in holy silence. / I’ll wrap myself in only quality/ And the search for quantity / Will be forgotten with the memory of your misplaced/ Slights.”

January 1, 2007 “So, generally, I hate New Years resolutions, but, I’ve made one this year. It’s called ’07 Celibate and Sober.”

January 8, 2007 “It’s day 8, and as I told Chels, it’s not hard to be celibate when you don’t have anyone to have sex with….so, I’m doing well”

January 9, 2007 “I only thought about him recently because I was looking through my journal from when I lived with lara and Amanda. A lot of that was praying about that situation. I can barely believe i used to pray that much. I mean, it’s not a bad thing, it was just a little bit intense.”

January 18, 2007 “on tuesday, I was so tired that i actually fell asleep during class, and slept for about two pages. HOW embarissing…”

January 26, 2007 “He needs to stop having a crush on someone else…i’m so much better, and not married…”

February 3, 2007 “Those nine white pills mock me, lined up like grim storm troopers on my mattress. Every beat of my heart erases my wonderful day. The smell of spicy chai and roasted potatoes, diesel fuel and wonderfully dusty old rooms is destroyed by the imaginary stench of my pain and loneliness. In my few days, I’ve known many men, but loved, and been loved only by one. And now he is gone, swallowed up in the eyes, and fingers and toes of a perfect baby boy. I sit and remember, tears running down my face, his arms around me.  His smile and his eyes where home to me. And now he needs them to hold another.  And those pills call to me. So pristine, so perfect and uniform. I despise them, as I despise myself for even knowing where they are.  I rub my arms, trying to regain some semblance of heat into my near death body. I wipe my eyes, and mascara, applied this morning, leaves a trail on my fingers, and across my face. I remember meeting a man this night…is this what made the night wonderful? What was his name? I don’t think it matters anymore. I can’t love, or at this moment, I think not. I remember sitting in Amanda’s room and listening to her say “I will never love again”. I will never love again. It sounds silly bouncing around my head, like I know it’s too extreme to be real, but in some dark place in this moment, it rings painfully true. A sob escapes my lips. I bite them, and notice they are chapped. I’ve lost my chap stick…again. Odd that I think of that now. With a shaking hand, I gather the white pills together, and return them to their resting place on my window sill. I am disgusted at myself. I imagine my father finding me. I am disgusted. I imagine the hospital…again. I am disgusted, and ashamed. I lie on my bed and pull my covers up. I am cold, and empty.”

February 13, 2007 “Well, I survived Michigan with my celibacy intact (darn). I think going up there was just what I needed. A little recharge for the old emotions, so, stop worrying (Amy and Kes), I’m fine. But thank you for the concern. I’ve gotten very good at asking for help when I need it, and telling people when I’m getting to the end of my rope.”

March 8, 2007 “Anyway, turn on the tears and recriminations…”what, do you not want me to lose wieght?” “Why are we even on this stupid diet if you aren’t going to try?!” “I’m just so tired…” Ended up making myself a salad with too much red wine vinegar. Nice and Healthy…then i ate a slice of  The Evil One’s Carbs and Cheese (pizza), and two Satan’s Carb Sticks (bread sticks). Man, did they ever taste good!!! But now i feel like shit. I mean, come on…it was only some pizza…but i want to get married and have babies some day (anyone see a trend in my life right now?). And, contrary to the evidence i have in chubby married friends, chubby girls don’t get married…at least not in the circle of my friends who all shop in the juniors department. The skinny girls find nice boyfriends and get married…they rest of us smile, and squeeze ourselves into brides maid dresses we have no business wearing. Yeah.  So, guess i’m a drama queen…there’s a shocker.”

March 16, 2007 “I haven’t liked birthdays since I started to realise that my family didn’t have money, and we really didn’t get that much. Is that super materialistic of me? Yes, yes it is, but this is my bad mood, and i’m going to revel in it.”

April 12, 2007 “But what am i supposed to do? I put exclamation points on the ends off all of my instant messages, and text messages, hoping that perhaps I’ll fool people into thinking I’m elated all the time. Not sure if it’s working, or people just think I’m officially losing my mind. “I have no rudder. If the winds blows easterly, i go east…” That’s how i feel. I have no rudder, no guiding start off of which to navigate…I’m with out direction or guidance. And I HATE IT!  Am i whining? “Do I care? Is that something I’m caring about now?” Why am I constantly quoting Serenity? Odd, to say the least. But I guess that’s what I am…odd…single…I have a cat…Dear God, take me now…”

April 27, 2007 “Here’s the problem about wanting to be unique…it leaves you lonely. You think “yeah…I’m one of a kind…now the cool people will like me…” but let’s face it…you’re not as unique as them, you’re not cool, you’re just…different. And the normal people don’t quite know what to do with you any more, so you’re stuck here…where ever here is. At the back of the theater, or infront of a computer screen on a friday night, when you know the really cool, unique people are out partying, and you’re just drinking a glass of wine alone in your room. So the question is this…Do i really want to be unique? Or is uniqueness just an other way of being just like every body else?”

May 18, 2007 “i’m tempted to get really sick in the next ten minutes, but then my workers would start killing each other….think “Lord of the Flies”…not a happy picture…”

May 19, 2007 ” I’m tired, and I just want a beer…”

May 24, 2007 “there is this one ant in my room whom i have been watching for quite some time now. He just constantly trudges up and down this one wire, back and forth. i feel really bad for him, but i also feel just like him. We are ants, most of the time. We trudge…we trudge alot. Up and down, back and forth. One little foot infront of the other. Doing our job, waiting for…what? the day that a big giant hand comes out of the sky and squashes us? Or some one comes to relieve us of our duty as the wire walker? It’s only 7 15, and i want nothing more than a glass of wine, and then my bed. American idol’s winner was picked? Is that show still on? i haven’t watched the tv in ages….Tony Blair stepped down? Really? who knew…I’ve been busy, trudging. And I’m tired, and grouchy. Not angry, just infinately grumpy, and lonely…and there goes the ant again. Strange little creature. Well, at least I’ve got him…”

May 25, 2007 “Today is my two year not being dead aniversary!!! hurrah for me not dying two years ago today!!!”

June 11, 2007 “I’m lonely to the bones. And no amount of beer, or the various things i’ve smoked can cover that one up.”

June 22, 2007 “I dunno, maybe I need to go back to school to learn how to properly teach this stuff…oy, don’t tell my mom i said that.”

April 13, 2007 “Pain is a constant companion, I suppose. I don’t know where it comes from, and it isn’t over whelming, it just is…”

October 24, 2007 “I guess last week at work was a little more stressful that I was willing to admit. Also, I don’t like spending money. And my mom has been barking at me lately. About spending money, which makes me anxious…it’s a cycle…a vicious one, even.”

November 23, 2007 “I suppose i seemed like a good idea in the triptifan induced haze of this holiday, but in the stark, pail light of morning, I’m left with nothing but rug burns on my knees, and the overwhelming feeling that he won’t be calling.”

November 26, 2007 “He looked at me threw his heavily lidded bedroom eyes, smiling his slightly shark like smile. I raised an eyebrow, dealing with a random thought that i should have plucked this morning. “i have to tell you something” he said, blowing out a streamer of smoke into the cold, cold morning air. I assured myself I was not attatched as he told me the thing i was waiting to hear. The strangely morbid news. I smiled my most seductive smile, and shot out a little crystaline laugh. I struggled to keep any note of sadness or concern out of my voice as i lied and said I understoud, and didn’t care in the long run.  his smile relaxed into something more real, and he squeezed my shoulder, telling me”I just wanted to give you fair warning.” Well, good, i thought bitterly to myself. Now i can plan on a slightly broken heart. We talked idly about going home, and i stared absently at the empty gas station across the empty highway. And then i looked up, you where standing close to me, the shark look back in your eyes. “Or we could go back inside for round two.” Well, at least I have your attention for the rest of the pre-dawn hours.”

December 1, 2007 “Are you feeling ok?”
“yeah, great” What i’m thinking, ‘no, i feel terrible, but what would it accomplish by telling you that? It wouldn’t make me feel better, and it runs the risk of making you feel bad too. Things seem to be going well, and I  just don’t want to put a damper on that’

December 17, 2007 “one of my staffers decided to be insane. I mean, like, i had kids going “wow…that was wierd…”

January 4, 2008 “in the last 60 days, i’ve spent almost $500 on bar related things…now mind you, this involved a holiday ( halloween) and that one time i went out with cassie and leo, and got lots of food. BUT,  doesn’t include times i may have payed in cash, but that doesn’t happen often. But still. Now, I know that, comparitively, that’s less than my other friends, but still, they make more than me!!!!”

January 21,2008 So this is love, de de de de….so this is love, de de de de…
So, I’ve not written in a while. Well, I’ve been busy! One, work has gotten rediculously stupid. And two, I have an awesome boyfriend now!! teehehe…He’s just awesome! I’m kinda stoked!”

February 19, 2008 “That part will be about my amazing boy!!! Aaron is just plain old awesome! For valentines, we went to dinner at the Helmand, and yes, the pumpkin is as good as everyone says. Then we went to see Art Garfunkel play with the BSO. SO COOL!”

Feb 27, 2008 “I have this little trick I use when i really want to eat sweets. I say “ZIP” really loud, thus reminding myself that i can’t zip of the brides maids’ dress for Sparky’s wedding.”

March 20, 2008 “A. I have a head ache
B. It’s my own stupid fault.
C. I’m a rockstar. ”

April 2, 2008 “that Aaron got to come made it a very special evening for me! Dancing to “Wonderful Tonight” was so magical! It was like everyone else in the room totally disappeared! I honestly forgot that i was in a crowded room untill another couple bumped into us. It was just…wonderful.”

April 27, 2008 “Aaron was REALLY impressed by how good my shooting was. It was just a cool thing in general!”

May 3, 2008 “And have i mentioned lately that aaron is wonderful??”

May 14, 2008 “Anyway…I’mhaving trouble expressing myself with My Sweet Boy. I mean, about the future. I think that I’m afraid that if I say what I’m feeling, he’ll run. Like the wind, and I don’t want to lose him. But, I mean, he took me to meet his family…in North Carolina. It’s not like they live in Towson. That has to mean something, right??”

September 24, 2008 “So, like I said, i spend alot of my time praying for God to do something to help me out, and show me the way. I continue on my path in faith that God will come through. I continue planning the wedding, and I pray…always I pray.”

October 23, 2008 “So sure, i know the basics of a Jewish wedding. I know the parts and bits. I even know what i want it too look like. But it’s not something I’ve done before, or even seen done. And to be honest, it’s a little scary. I’m a little bit scared. I don’t get it.

So that’s not entirely fair. I get it, I just only get it in my head, and not my heart. In my heart, I get the Catholic service. The prayers are as familiar to me as my own name, or the names of my siblings. I’m making a sacrifice, and it’s really hard…”

November 27, 2008 “Well, it’s been a while. So, in the last couple of weeks, we’ve changed our plans for the table decorations, started NFP, played dice with bridemaids, and discovered that I am in fact not sick, just stressed out and depressed. Which is wierd, because I don’t feel all that stressed out. And certainly not depressed. Which is stressful. lol Oh well, I’ll live, right??”

December 8, 2008 “So, it’s been a while. Where to start? Well, on Wednesday, Aaron broke off the wedding. Not sure if we’re together anymore or not. He needs more time to think it over.
It’s amazing how so suddenly EVERYTHING can change. I went from a place of knowing exactly how my life was going to go from here to eternity, and now I have to think all over again about what I’m going to do.
Another hard thing for me is that during our time together, Aaron has become the person I want to talk to when I’m sad,  frustrated, or depressed. And now Aaron is the one person I can’t talk to.
He insisted I keep the ring in order to not be out of money for the dress. Well, at first I was burning to get rid of the ring, but the closer I fgot to the store, the more I felt like I was going to spew all over the inside of my mom’s car. Well, I didn’t, and when I got to the store, the price they offered was about 1/2 of the original selling price. I was mad, I was sad, and all I wanted was to talk to Aaron. I ended up not selling the ring, I still have it. It sits on top of a pile of magazines on the sofa. I don’t really know what to do with it.
I don’t really know what to do with anything. I’m quite lost. I feel empty. I try very hard to be positive, and to not let things get over whelming, but I can’t help but just give a in a little some times to the tragedy of the whole thing. Ok, so maybe tragedy is too strong. But right now, it feels pretty tragic.”

December 9, 2008 “I want to trust, and I want to be confident. I am enough. And if Aaron can’t see that in the future, I may be forced to break my own heart, and say goodbye forever. I’ll fight tooth and nail for what I think is the love of my life, but don’t worry, dear readers, I won’t be stupid.”

January 6, 2009 “I was blinded by the light of your difference from all the boys i had been with. You where man, a mountain to my previous mole hills. I put all my eggs into your basket of logic and strange understanding. I fell in love with our comfortable silences, and the shiny things on your coffee table. the Stoicisms of you, and the contrast of the time I saw you cry. i loved you in high def and art films too grainy to see clearly. In the early dawn, streaming coldly through your window, and in the tiredness of my eyes when i fell asleep to the sounds of you playing video games. your arms, your lips, even your epic nose where comforts to me. And where am I now? Well, I’m terribly mediocre. I’m sad, deeply sad. Which is a feeling i had kept at bay for an amazingly long time. I had thought that maybe i would be happy. thanks you, dearest boy, for finishing off that lie.”

February 27, 2009 “It’s amazing to me how many useless things one acquires while planning a wedding. I’m ashamed to say that post massive break-up, my room has become as massive shit hole. And add to that equation a puppy with a passion for chewing on all things leather, fake leather or just belonging to me, and you have a bed room that looks truly horrible, only to be equaled by phases in my adolescence.
Os, I’ve started with my computer table. And I have scraps of paper with numbers of florists, wedding coordinators, dress stores and promotional information. Last night, I threw away my dog eared bridal magazines.
I sometimes feel that my room is like the contents of my head, and heart exploded and spewed all over my bedroom. And trust me, it’s a disaster. And if my dearest Lilly doesn’t stop eating my shoes, she’s going to become a fancy pair of riding gloves….”

 

 

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About Beating Heart, Spinning Mind

Professional dreamer. Searching for a job and greater meaning. Being a good girlfriend...well, trying to.

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