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“Are we not perhaps all afraid in some way? If we let Christ enter fully into our lives, if we open ourselves totally to him, are we not afraid that He might take something away from us? Are we not perhaps afraid to give up something significant, something unique, something that makes life so beautiful? Do we not then risk ending up diminished and deprived of our freedom? And once again the Pope said: No! If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great. No! Only in this friendship are the doors of life opened wide. Only in this friendship is the great potential of human existence truly revealed. Only in this friendship do we experience beauty and liberation. And so, today, with great strength and great conviction, on the basis of long personal experience of life, I say to you, dear young people: Do not be afraid of Christ! He takes nothing away, and he gives you everything. When we give ourselves to him, we receive a hundredfold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ – and you will find true life. Amen.” ~ Pope Benedict XVI

Found this quote on the Franciscan Sisters TOR’s discernment page. Am I discerning? Am I ever NOT discerning? I think I’ll be discerning untill the day I get married. If I do ever get married.

Feeling a bit lonely the last few days. Have hugged the little boy I take care of quite a few times. Luckily, he really likes giving hugs. This loneliness has several different levels. There’s the “I know 5 people in this town…bummer.”, then there is the “I want my family to be with me! this is hard!”, then there is the “Man, i could use a boyfriend…” And then I think, ‘well, maybe I don’t need a boyfriend…ever!” It’s complicated.

Anyway, the quote above made me cry. Which is pretty easy these last couple of days. Most things have been making me cry. I think it’s easy to sepparate myself from the sadness that my family is feeling when I don’t see them. I can put up a barrier of…something…and just keep on keeping on. But I know that when I see my family, I’m not going to be able to get away with whatever it is that I’ve been getting away with. That made no sence whatsoever…oh well. It did to me. 😛

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I just wanted to share a story of something that happened to me while I was on a walk/hike on Sunday. First off, I skipped Church in favor of worshiping in the Great Outdoors. I know, it’s not the same thing, but I for sure felt God‘s presence as I looked down 500 feet into the Rio Grande River gorge at Wild Rivers.

Well, I took off with my journal to write about my grandfather’s passing, and while I was looking for a place to stop, I saw this wonderful out dropping that was just a little off the trail. I must say, Ilike the idea of off the trail a LOT more than I actually like goinjg off marked trails…but that’s another issue all together. Anyway, it was a very windy day, but this little place was pretty well protected from the really wild winds. I could hear them roaring around me, but my hair was hardly even blowing. I opened my journal, and as I wrote the words “My Grandfather died yesterday” The winds stopped entirely. It was like someone had flipped a switch, it was that profound a difference. It didn’t last more than a moment, but I found myself crying.

Now, I’m not the type of person who has expiriences where loved one’s who have passed away come and let them know that they are ok. And I’m not saying that that was my Grandfather. I’m more inclined to say that, perhaps, God knew I needed one of those moments of Grace.

I think we all know what they are. Working with a 2 year old, they often come when I think I’m going to climb the walls, or just burst into tears, and the little guys looks up at me and says “Miss Claire is REALLY nice!” or looks at me and cocks his head to the side and says, pouting a bit “poor Miss Claire”. They are moments when it feels like God has reached down and personally touched your head, giving you just that little bit more that you need. It was like God stuck out His hand and just commanded the winds to cease, so I could hear Him telling me to be at peace.

There is a song, I honestly don’t even remember who it was by, but it says “Sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calm His child”.  It was just one of those days.

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About Beating Heart, Spinning Mind

Professional dreamer. Searching for a job and greater meaning. Being a good girlfriend...well, trying to.

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